My husband is a musical director. Through the years I've come to understand that musicians have a particular way of thinking. Everything is exact and has its place. Each sheet of music is lined with specific notes. I'm an actress, therapist, writer and much more open to exploring choices and drawing outside of prescribed lines. So, when my husband had cancer, twelve years ago, I wanted him to use the alternative health care procedures that I find helpful when I'm not well in addition to his medical treatment.
"Why don't you try acupuncture with Dr. Boaz," I said one morning during breakfast. "He uses healing herbs as well as needles." I tried to sound casual so I wouldn't let him know how stressed I was over the cancer that had just been found in a walnut size lump on his neck.
"No thanks," my husband answered while sipping his tea. "I'm just going to follow the program my doctor set up for me."
My heart sank. Fear raced up my spine. If he doesn't listen to me cancer is going to do him in, I thought. I can't bare thinking about what would happen if he isn't a part of my life.
A few days later, I came up with another solution. "I could whip up a high protean drink and add some healing herbs." I took a deep breath and waited for his reaction.
"If my doctor wanted me to take anything else he'd give me a prescription for it."
I spent a week fretting over his lack of desire to include my alternate ways of healing. Worry turned my stomach into a tight ball. The hard, fast thumping of my heart made me breathless. Sleep became a joke and focusing my mind on anything constructive was like trying to lift a two ton elephant off my shoulders. I felt helpless about changing my husband's way of thinking and helpless with my bodies fearful reactions to his dilemma.
I knew I had to let go of taking care of him the way I wanted to and support him in the ways that he felt were right for him. But, it was easier to say than to do.
I dug out my journal book from the side drawer in the bedroom, sat on the bed and wrote, what do I need to learn to move this fear into a peaceful place? I closed my eyes and tried to breath deeply into my body so I could hear my inner voice. It's a voice I've listened to before that has given me guidance.
As I took one deep breath, a shorter one, filled with fear emerged. After ten minutes I gave up and went for a walk outside. "Maybe being in the fresh air will help my head stop racing," I said to myself.
When I returned to my journal book I tried another tactic -- making friends with my fear. "It's all right to be scared," I said. "I know you're there for a reason." But, the fear was so great that it kept breaking through what little stillness I could create. So, I put my book away yet another time.
On the fourth day, while hiking in the hills and still anxious about my husband's health, an answer to my constant agony zipped in and took me across the valley of fears.
"Your fear is taking away from your husband's vital healing energy," my inner voice said. "He is connected to his own source of healing, just as you are. Let go. Trust in a Power that is much greater than yours."
The answer took my breath away. It sent chills up my spine and brought tears to my eyes. I knew it was the truth. The answer I'd been searching for.
I stopped walking and looked out into the green meadow below. For a split second, time stood still. Everything seemed motionless.
Memories of trying to save my parents from the devastating effects of alcohol flooded through my mind. I had tried so hard to change the way they lived. After they died, I continued to agonize over losing them.
Their death left me with a hidden false belief that if I'd been smarter, tougher, better, then I could have saved them. I'd visited this old belief before, but this time the answer that came through struck deeper. It wasn't just about letting go, it was about getting out of the way.
After a while tears streamed down my cheeks. Each small drop released more and more anxiety until I was left with a sense of peace and understanding. I began to trust, not just my husband, but everyone in a deeper more respectful way.
Judith Fraser, Marriage, Family, Therapist, 323-656-9800
jfrasermft@speakeasy.net
Judith Fraser is a Marriage, Family Therapist residing in Los Angeles. She uses tradional as well as experiential processes while working with clients. Judith has been working as a therapist for over 20 years. She is the author of THE INNER JOURNEY: A Mindful Practice that leads to the depth of the soul.
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